And Energy…
To connect to the golden ore of new ideas, passion and vitality, you need to be open and vulnerable and willing to be honest with yourself.
Writing is truth. I guess that’s why I’ve avoided it for months. I got covid in October of 2021 and it turned into pneumonia. I was sick for five weeks. I had been training to be in an Ironman in November and I had to shelve it. All of that hard work-gone. I told myself I didn’t care and it was partly true. I didn’t care because my body was so worn out. But a part of me did care and has thought about restarting the training but my body has said that is not the focus right now. It may never be the focus again, or it might, we’ll see. But I haven’t broken a sweat since the nightly sweatfests of covid.
Until today.
I walked into a hot yoga studio today for the first time since January 2020. Yoga has always been a part of my life but today, after over two years away, it was foreign, my body was weak and not as flexible as it once was. I have sensed that the last 8 months have aged me and I felt it on the mat today. But the lost strength and flexibility is nothing I can’t regain with consistent practice.
We lock trauma and unshed tears and unsaid words into our bodies and carry them like luggage. Those unexpressed moments don’t go away. They build the walls inside. I realized today that I have built quite a fortress. Lately, it’s been unbearably heavy.
I used to get consistent messages from God on my mat. It’s been so long, I forgot that happened until I heard it loud and clear today:
“You’ve lost all trust in this world.”
And I burst into tears right there in the room with eight strangers. It was the truth. I have lost all trust in this world.
I turned myself off from so much and my belief system kept proving me right with the frustrations of my daily experiences. So much so, I squeezed myself down to the smallest version of me that could actually function. I was so far from living my best life.
I love listening to Molly McCord. She is an astrologer but sooo much more. And she was talking about this Scorpio full moon eclipse happening on May 15/16. She said the last Scorpio full moon eclipse was in May 2003. My heart swelled, and not in a good way. Some moments are burned on your brain, and in May of 2003, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was a ton of bricks upside my head. My view of what the world was shattered. I was naïve, not thirty years old and cancer happened in other families, not mine, not to my mother. I realized today that I stopped trusting in this world in May 2003. And what that means is I stopped trusting in God.
I believe when a woman turns fifty (me very soon), you can go one of two ways-you can open yourself up to an amazing second act, where all of the secrets of the universe are revealed to you as divine feminine wisdom. Or you can turn into a bitter old hag full of should-haves. I’ve seen both. And I desire door number one, although the way I’ve been acting lately, bitter hag was not that far off.
Bitterness pickles a woman and keeps her on this planet. I’ve seen it in many a grandmother, including my own. She made it to 94. I guess God was holding out, hoping she would get the message and open her heart. She didn’t.
I saw myself clinging to old narratives about how I’d been wronged by those that shall not be named. And so many times I tried to let that shit go, with no luck. But the interesting part is writing this…loosens the grip of betrayal. And sharing it with you loosens it even more.
Being heard, and being seen validates our feelings and helps us move through trauma and open back up to life. It’s all a choice. I couldn’t write for months because I had so much hurt inside, there was no capacity to give of myself through writing. But the crack of light, and of life, has started. I want to be happy again. But it’s different. It’s a wiser happy. It’s a survivor’s happy. It’s being dragged through the dark night and coming out to appreciate the sunshine, Lola our kitten and the ocean view that now decorates my new kitchen window, happy. This requires present moment living. Thinking too much about the past or the future takes away from the beauty given to us in the now moment.
I believe this time on our planet is about releasing the old and creating the new. And that means releasing EVERYTHING about the old- who we’ve been, who we currently are and limiting thoughts of who we thought we’d become.
It’s time to trust the world and God again.
If you resonate with any of this, know you aren’t alone. It’s happening to all of us. Even those of us who foolishly thought we had our shit together. It’s been really hard to be vibrant in the current state of things but I promise you, I am going to try. And I hope to see you on that road.
Much love to you.