I have always used writing as a way to figure out the tough questions. I now realize I also use it to sooth-to put my pain somewhere. It is a vehicle for the energy, the emotion to flow through me and out. To give it to God. What else can one possibly do with pain? We all find our ways of dealing with trauma and writing is that for me. It helps more than a conversation or a run or even drinking a bottle of wine. It is because of the connection that writing offers me-a connection to the divine/to my soul/to my higher self who lives above right and wrong, pain and suffering, who sees everything as beautiful and perfect. Tapping into unconditional love of divine energy where I am received as I am, as we all are received as we are.
I have been through many traumas (as we all have) but I’ve never had suicide come into my sphere of awareness. Until now.
Growing up Catholic, suicide was a ticket to hell. Instant, eternal damnation. Boy they knew how to push the fear. And until I started thinking for myself, I believed that was true. But then I evolved and expanded my view of things. I took an Eastern Philosophical approach to life. I read often that if you took your life in one lifetime, you created a huge karmic debt that would need to be revisited and balanced in another. And I do still believe part of that to be true. We are energetic, multidimensional beings and life is happening through us on multiple levels. It would make sense that if you end your life in one dimension, you cause a ripple of pain into others that will need to be addressed, healed, released somewhere else on your linear timeline.
But I find myself asking what about the higher dimensions that are above pain, where our souls are perfect and everything in this realm is simply labeled “experience?” I am digging to see the higher perspective of it all. It may take a while until I find it for this one.
As a human being she was in so much pain, she couldn’t function anymore. I have read that at the end, people who take their lives feel so much relief because their suffering is ending, they actually feel happy for the first time in their lives.
I teach beauty in the pain, in the heart broken open. She is at peace now when she suffered for so much of her short, beautiful life. That is the only beauty I see-her peace. This tragedy is a wake-up call for me, for anyone who knew her or knew of her to reset to what is truly important. Release the drama of fabricated division, wrongs, offenses and misplaced energy in things that don’t matter. Pressure to be something other than who you truly are, pressure to be great in a hyper competitive society. Pressure to have this or that, more than you, better than you or wasting precious time on canceling the latest offense.
I want to keep writing, keep digging and I will. This is too important, she was too important. I’m not sure where to end a piece dedicated to this sweet girl whose life’s work was to save the most helpless of creatures. And she was the best at it. I write to put the pain somewhere and it does flow out and I am able to move on. I can’t say the same for her family. Her life mattered so much to so many. Her death will matter too. It will forever be a reminder of what’s important in our own lives and when to ease up on yourself, and when to ask for help.
I will end this here with Ho’oponopono. The Hawaiian prayer for reconciliation and forgiveness.
I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
There is power in these simple words and their intention. This Holy Weekend, when we were reflecting on forgiveness and redemption, this prayer couldn’t be more appropriate.
Peace to you all.